People today!

Why is it that some people seem to take no responsibility for themselves as soon as they step outside their front door?

If you trip over indoors and break a limb you can’t sue anyone (I bet someone’s tried it though) but outside anything seems to be game. Trip over a paving slab? Sue the council. Slip over in the supermarket? Sue the supermarket. Trip over a cable at work? Sue the company.

What the fek happened to looking where the fek you’re going you stupid grunts? The bloody compensation culture get’s on my tits and so do all those stupid fekking adverts. Broke a nail while typing on your keyboard? Then call us blah blah oh fek off!

If i got hurt at work i would expect the company to at least take care of me financially if it was long term, it’s just not me to start asking for compensation for my pain etc. etc. The way health and safety is these days i would have thought it impossible to get hurt anywhere anyway!

Health and safety eh! Whoever is responsible for this ridiculous culture should be run over by a fekking enormous forklift! I can climb a fekking ladder without some pathetic training session insulting my intelligence. Get a fekking grip!!!

Changing the subject, can anyone tell me what the fek a facilitator is? I see job adverts for them but the descriptions baffle me.I worked for a company with a facilities department but was confused by it. At times we live in a stupid fekking world run by stupid fekking people who think we are as fekking stupid as they are!

FEK OFF!

Kids in supermarkets……..FEK OFF!

Enviromentalists……..FEK OFF!

Manbags……….FEK OFF!

People who talk loudly on mobiles………FEK OFF!

Coldplay……..FEK OFF!

Twats who carry rats (sorry, dogs) in bags……FUCK OFF!

Adverts telling me to drink responsibly, eat less salt, eat five a day, give up smoking etc, etc…….FEK OFF!

Reduce your carbon footprint (bend over while i ram mine up the crack of their arse)…..FEK OFF!

Feel free to carry on in the comments!

Bus Drivers!

Rant 4 of the day! There’s almost nothing I detest more than having a dickhead bus driver. So there I was, getting on the bus heading home. I give him some change for the fair which is 5p over, and what does the bastard say? “At least give me the right amount of money. ” As if i'm going to fekking spare you the trauma of using your brain for five seconds to work out that you owe me 5 pence. As if I give a shit about you and your miserable job. The whole reason you’re a bus driver is probably because you failed all of your GCEs in school, and the only thing you did pass was either how to drive or a turd! For fek sake it’s only 5p. Work it the hell out you ignorant shit. If you’re going to be a prick about it, then i’m going to hand you a £50 note next time and let you work that out.

Listening to my ipod on the bus..

Right.. This is rant number fucking 3 today.. Im gonna keep it short and not so sweet.

This morning, I got on the bus and was listening to my ipod, as I always do. This old bastard of a woman who was sitting at least 3 seats in front of me obviously had a problem with this. So, she kept shaking her head, turning around and giving me dirty looks… Oh sorry love, do you want me to turn it down or off maybe? err.. how about fuck you! Sorry, but its not my problem if you find the sound of my ipod annoying.. fucking deal with it! Acting like that, your certainly not going to get what you want! God I hate them, if I want to listen to my ipod, I fucking will and no stupid old cow like that is going to stop me!! And just for the record, I didnt have it on full blast. These people really piss me off.. bloody hell, I cant stand these chavs who like to play music out loud on their mobile phones whilst walking down the high st or something, but do you see me shaking my head at them.. Jesus Fekking Christ. Im sorry to say this but its always OAP’s that have the problem…

A very INconvenient product

As a British citizen, I thought I should bring this to your attention as I feel it is quite an interesting issue.

I have had a couple of incidents with a new milk product called Dairystix. I say only a couple as I wasn’t prepared to use them again afterwards! If you are not sure what I mean they are an alternative to the little plastic pots you get on trains/in service stations etc. Shaped like sugar sticks but with plastic packaging they contain a portion of milk to put into your tea/coffee etc. Despite the not-so-helpful hint on the pack to ‘tear off here’, the milk squirted out of the tube and all down my clothing, over shooting my cup by a mile. On the second occasion the milk still went everywhere and the ripped off top fell in my drink forcing me to put my fingers in scalding tea – which is not what you need on a Monday morning!.

This is not just some aimless rant, I am not the only person who feels this way. After encountering such irresponsible engineering I had a hunt on the net to find out if it really was just me. It turns out that I am not alone. On YouTube I found 3 videos of people documenting their disastrous experiences with Dairystix – all of them ending up covered in milk, for example:

If someone has an issue with anything you are bound to find something about it on Facebook and this is true when it comes to Dairystix. Search for ‘Campaign to get Dairystix banned from all office environments’.

There is even a petition on Number 10’s website to abolish the “modern menace” that is Dairystix. However, it is apparently not in the Prime Ministers power to do anything about, so sadly it was rejected, but still displayed on the website.

A rather interesting point is raised when it comes to their environmental efforts. On the newer packaging, Dairystix states, “50% less packaging than plastic pots”. While this may be correct in terms of amount of packaging used it is not really an advantage as none of it is recyclable. The plastic pots on the other hand are fully recyclable apart from the foil lid. So in terms of what ends up on the landfill, there is going to be more space taken up by Dairystix packaging than plastic pots! Not the message you get from the Dairystix website I might add!

Anyway I feel I have vented my spleen and just wanted to highlight this issue others. If it is in your power to bring it to the attention of a wider audience I would urge you to do so!

T-mobile ad

I fekking hate that poxy T-mobile ad with that stupid curly haired fektwit and his “band”.

I don’t care about you or your wanky band and i sure as fek aint gonna look you up on twatter you little fekpig. And his name would be josh, only grunts and annoying wankers are called josh. I hate fekkers and their non entity bands, the sort of pricks who carry their guitars around in case someone fancies a sing-along in the pub or park you egotistical overblown egomaniacal bunches of utter wastes of space.

Take your untalented selves and all your bastard mates and fek right off to hell you ugly bunch of shitslags.

(What’s that? it’s only an advert? Oh i see, sorry but you get the point. I bet josh has a band in real life the scabby ugly fekking little prick.)

High street shops teasing bas**rds

So, why do the high street stores insist on having a limited amount of stock of what will be obvious “best sellers”? almost everything I have tried to buy for peeps for xmas was sold out!!!!! Even worse is that all the stuff I want to get is still being advertised on the telly. I’m sure all they want is for you to go into the store looking for what will never be there and then settle for some other item that is not as nice, but that is more expensive than what you were looking for!!!

It has to be about the snow

I am fascinated at how snow has suddenly become a story in the last couple of days. Ok, we have had quite a lot of snow in the South but the snow has been hitting the North for the last couple of weeks and the news bulletins have barely noticed. Now of course it effects London and it's in walking distance of the news editors. If they're struggling to get into work it must be news. Maybe I'm being somewhat cynical, do you think?

Everyman needs his garden shed. It's true, really! In Australia some extensive research was done as a result of an initial finding that men with a garden shed had significant lower levels of stress and thus complications as a result. Now it possible for a man to get a shed grant from the Government.

My neighbour has a shed he spends a great deal of time in. Actually his shed is quite extensive and is as good many bedsits I've known. He tells me that when he is in his shed he feels really relaxed. He doesn't know why, he just does. I also have a shed but can't get into it for junk, but us men do need a space that is ours. We can be ourselves, fart without caring. Read comics and feel like a big kid, whatever, no one is watching so you can relax it's your space. A lot of marriages could be saved if the female partner recognized what I'm sure is a universal truth about men. We need to be ourselves and that is not always what a wife/partner wants to see her husband being. Some do, like mine, but most men aren't so lucky. I've been there and donethat.

So to all those women out there with male partners, give him his own space that is genuinely his. I can promise you you'll get massive dividends as a result.

Women's needs are not that dissimilar, but I would be a brave man to discuss that.

Doc Bottoms All Natural Aspray

Oh god, while browsing the web, I came across this product. Yes, they actually named a product Aspray (pronounced Ass Spray). From the good old people at Doc Bottoms (yes it is real I am not making this up. Aspray is an all body deodorizer.



Yes, this is a plumber sniffing his coworkers arse, and getting sick enough to throw up in the sink.



Oh, my I guess she is having one of those no-so-fresh days.

Really they are selling this anti-bacterial hypo-allergenic spray for $14.99 + SH. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't but can anyone take this thing seriously with an ad like that??? Billy Mays must be rolling over in his grave at this kind of trash! Log onto their site and watch the ad, you will not believe someone actually paid to make this thing.

Fekking Telesales

Ok, there is nothing new about cold calls, despite the fact we all hate them, despite the fact we are rude to the callers they still keep calling. It's a fact of life and that's that. What upsets me is the lack of inventiveness to the callers these days. i just got off the phone to one, you know they type:

"Helloooooo, we are doing a survey"
yeeess
"don't worry we are not selling anything"
uhhuh
"I just wanted to ask 2 simple questions"
ahhhhh

"As an incentive you may win a FREE gift voucher"
Ooooooo - ok then, go ahead
"Do you own your own home?"
Errrrrrrr - yes (It's a vanity thing, you have to admit it, don't you?)
"Great! Now, second question, if you could replace your kitchen, bathroom for FREE which would you pick..........?

Recognise the trap? It won't be for free and it will mean follow ups very soon. Now what do you do?
My usual one to this question has been "none of them, we have just replaced the lot".
Needless to say they pack up at that point and you don't get your FREE voucher!!

So, what are the follow ups to this type of call? Answer the question with "I would probably choose a kitchen" and you will win the "voucher" with the benefit of a follow up call at a later date (like I had today) starting.............

"Helloooooo, you answered a survey a while ago saying you would like to replace your kitchen and we have estimators in your area so we would like the opportunity to give you a FREE estimate for a luxury designer kitchen?"

I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost.

"Really? Oh, errrrr, so you have had an estimate?"

No, I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost and you can come and fit the kitchen on Monday please.

"Errrr, I'm a bit confused here, can you confirm the cost they gave you?"

Yes, it was FREE. The question was "if you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for FREE which would you pick" So, I'll have the FREE kitchen please, is Monday ok with you?

Oh, and while you are on the phone can I order my FREE bathroom too? Make that Tuesday please, we don't want the workmen getting in each others way.

"I think you misunderstood Sir, it's not FREE but of course you don't have to pay the full price because you won the FREE gift voucher which knocks a huge 10% off the price!!!"

Ahhhhhhhh,, ok this may be a strange question but when you do the survey why don't you say "If you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for several thousand pounds, which would you pick"

"I don't think that would work from a marketing perspective, I have a feeling most people would just say "no" or hang up"

NO?!

REALLY?! .......................click


10 Minutes later....

"You really are an ass-hole aren't you"

Absofuckinglutely!...."you fuc"..click


Inkster 2 - telesales 0

Common knowledge?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shop-lifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in-line.

What a bunch of tosser's we have running our country - it says it all. And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country .

Global warming confirmed, half of the world is buried in SNOW

After spending X billion $ in Copenhagen on a totally fucking useless, worthless conference (well the hotels and food were OK) whilst leaving Denmark the delegates were personally treated to the effects of Global Warming, SNOW, SNOW, AND EVEN MORE BLOODY SNOW!

This is certain proof that the perpetrators behind the theory of Global Warming are correct, half of the world has now been buried in snow and ice!

Predictions of deserts and cactus growing in the Alaskan plains and sand storms in Siberia have been put to bed for this year.

As Polar Bears and Walrus bask in the freezing cold and people try to remove their vehicles stuck in the ice and snow scientists are rapidly revising their predictions claiming, OK, maybe in 600000 years it could happen, maybe.

As Obama and the rest of the clowns pissed off to their Ski holidays in the fresh snow to enjoy a super White Christmas lets all count the cost of this FAB conference and wish the Chinese had foot the fucking bill!!!!

Free crap versus loyalty in the newspaper world

Newspapers have really stepped up their promotional schedule in the last few weeks. But is anything that they have given away worth having?

Last week the Mail on Sunday gave away DVD of a new unreleased film that probably would have done no business at the cinema. Therefore the distributors probably gambled that they would make more money from what the Mail paid them and the marketing they put behind it. Ultimately a crap film is still a crap film even when it is free! Did anyone watch it and if they did did they finish it?

The Times this week were giving away a real first, free REM iTunes tracks to help promote their new live album. The only problem with this is that half the tracks are some of their best music and any self respecting music fan would already have them. Who wants a live album anyway, they’re rarely as good as the original versions and REM have had better days. Nice idea but where’s the value apart from for REM’s record company’s marketing department?

The Mail on Sunday have given away a best of Robbie Williams CD this week, again to support the release of his new album. But again if you wanted his best music wouldn’t you already have it by now? So the Mail are happily being the main platform of the record company’s marketing campaign and 95% of the CD’s will never get played. How does the consumer benefit?

For all the instant sales that these promotions may gain the promiscuous readers that take these up will jump paper for the next freebie next week so where’s the marketing value?

The way forward for newspaper promotions and partnerships surely has to be The Times’ new loyalty scheme Times+. This imaginative scheme rewards loyal readers on a long term basis with exclusive content, offers, prizes and money can’t buy events like meeting The Times’ journalists. This is surely the way that all newspapers should be approaching promotions in the future, no free crap, no free marketing for fallen pop stars or terrible films but actually thinking about what a loyal reader wants and rewarding them.

Antarctica's Red-light District.

How would you feel if your mate came home after spending the night with a member of the world's oldest profession? I think it's safe to say that you probably wouldn't be very happy.

Well, for the first time it has been observed that the male specimen of Homo sapiens is not the only species to pay for someone else's services. Yes, it has been scientifically determined that the male Adelie penguin, which lives on Ross Island down in the Antarctic, also pays for the special favors of a female.

I can just picture it now:

The female gets all dolled up and puts on her sexiest skin-tight tuxedo (what else would a penguin wear?). She then heads out for a night on the town. A potential male customer is spotted out in the distance. She sways her hips back and forth and approaches the gentlemen.

“Hey, honey.” she says in her sexiest Mae West-like voice. “How would you like me to warm your chilled bones?”

The lonely male penguin is attracted to her like steel to a magnet. They agree to terms and do their thing.

Now, I know what you are thinking. (Well, maybe not.) Penguins don't carry cash and they have never been known to carry an American Express card, so just how do they pay?

With stones.

Yes, you read that correctly - stones. Also known as pebbles, cobbles, and rocks. It makes no difference if the payment is sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic. All types of Flinstonian currency are accepted.

Let's get back to reality...

Actually, the Adelie penguins are known to mate for life. At least that is what the male is led to believe.

Every so often, the female wanders off in search of stones to build her nest with. Since there are no trees or grasses to be found in this frozen wasteland, stones make the best nesting material by default. But even stones are difficult to find in this cold climate. Those that do exist are most likely frozen solid in the mud or ice. The stones are of such great value to the penguins that they will steal them from each other, even though they face a high risk of being attacked by the owner of this hard currency (and this currency certainly is hard).

But wait!

The female Adelie penguin has figured out a better way. She exchanges copulations for the stones. The female slips away from her mate and just happens to wander over to the nest of an unpaired male.

Hmmm… What could she be thinking?

She goes through the standard courtship procedure. You know, the usual dip of the head and the coy look from the corner of the eye. If the male shows some interest, she will just lie prone as an invitation to mate. Once the mating is over, she picks up her payment (the stone) and heads back home to her unsuspecting mate.

Believe it or not, this is truly serious science. A researcher named Fiona M. Hunter of the University of Cambridge has been studying these cheating penguins for years. (Why anyone would ever want to study in such a cold place is beyond me. I was once offered a complete scholarship to do my graduate work in Antarctica. All the money in the world couldn't get me there. Instead, I decided to stay warm and chose a different college.)

Hunter also observed ten different females who played an even smarter game. Each of these penguins went through the whole mutual courtship routine, picked up their payment, and just left before any hanky panky ever took place. Oddly, the males showed no aggressive behavior for being denied their pleasure. In fact, these same females actually had the nerve to return for more pebbles. One female managed to get 62 stones from one male in just one hour. (Obviously, she was the Pam Anderson of the bird world.)

And her husband was the last to know…

Useless? Useful? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Unbelievably Crap British Film of the Week

Statement 1
I watched Red Mist on DVD yesterday.

Statement 2
I watched one of the worst horror films I’ve ever seen yesterday.

Statement 3
Statements 1 through 2 are not mutually exclusive.

It really was fucking terrible.

It’s from director Paddy Breathnach, who did the equally awful Shrooms, and it’s literally impossible to work out what on Earth everyone was thinking when they made it.

It’s even the worst Arielle Kebbel film, and she’s been in The Uninvited, John Tucker Must Die and American Pie: Band Camp.

I’ve just Windows 7 and I can’t work out how to screenshot DVDs, so I had to take photos with my camera when the boredom got too much. Excuse the quality. Here’s a woman who seems to have been cast solely because she looks like Keira Knightley’s less attractive sister:


Here’s a man who looks like a cross between Dane Cook and Mike Skinner:


And here’s the moment when Voldemort popped up for a bit



Mad.

Anyway it’s not remotely scary, logical, well acted, entertaining or original, so if you haven’t already guessed, AVOID.

A Brace of Ghosties?

Took this photo a couple of years ago when i was testing my then new camera.
I have no idea what it is, the camera was checked to be working fine. Cool Photo though
huh??

By 2255 Most Humans Alive Today Will Be Dead

A scientist has stunned the World with his announcement that most of the people alive this very moment will be dead come 2255.

"Governments around the World are not prepared for all these deaths. I'm as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer", said Prof. Cackhole from the University of Arse, Arseland.

Panic has set in all across the Globe. Funeral directors have reported an increase in coffin sales. People are going out and buying their death robes before the apocalypse.

One local man committed suicide rather than die!

Governments around the World have pledged billions towards a rescue plan.
"We can't have all these innocent people die without at least doing something. I've looked at the calendar and 2255 isn't too far off really…", said one crackjob nutter.

The same professor was also responsible for alerting humanity to the perils of Global warming, Global Cooling, The Greenhouse Effect, The Ozone Layer, Acid Rain, Britney Spears baldness, the lack of toilet roll in cubicle number two at the local shopping centre toilets and several other life-changing events

Awesome Painting by a Friend

At Yule I had a real shock, a friend of mine who happens to be a great artist, has produced this for me. I cant wait to see the original. You can see more of his work on the Regnum comic page. Look in the links for it ^^

The description of the Painting from the artist is as follows:

Dear Inkster.

Here I bring a Christmas gift for you, a special one, cause I respect you a HELL lot, I love to hunt with you and you're one of best people around I can consider a friend, which makes me proud \o/

I wanted to imitate Rembrandt but as always I failed, I hope you enjoy what has been done anyway ;D took quite some time! Pizdzius Swedzioszek

2 = 1

Proof that 1 equals 2


a = b
a^2 = a*b
a^2-b^2 = a*b-b^2
(a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)
(a+b) = b
a+a = a
2a = a

THEREFORE

2 = 1

New regnum Client Launch today

From the NGD website:

Hello everyone,

As you may already know, tomorrow Wednesday 16th we will finally launch the Regnum Online Engine Update.

As we said before, a new download of the client will be mandatory. To help you with the download process we have designed a new installation scheme with an auto downloader featuring pausing and resuming, we have also installed more download servers to be able to handle the load.

This is a very important milestone for NGD Studios, for Regnum and for Regnum’s future, but considering some of the constraints that we have as a development studio it is going to be a tumultuous transition.

The main objectives of this update were:

1 - To increase performance on high-end hardware, allowing us to add more graphical effects and in the future, high definition player characters.

2 - To increase the performance on mid-end hardware with similar graphics to our previous version (shader model 2).

3 - To fix the client side stalls and hiccups that generated client side LAG when entering populated areas making the game unplayable.

4 - To increase performance on low end hardware regardless of the graphics quality.

5 - To have a more stable/reliable version of the engine in order to continue improving, fixing and adding features to the game.

While we think that we have achieved good results on 1, 2, 3 and 5, we believe that point 4 will need more work after the launch.

These are the main problems you may encounter and some possible solutions:

1 - Compatibility problems:

Update your OS and the drivers for your GPU and hardware in general.

2 - Performance problems:

Update your OS and the drivers for your GPU and hardware in general.

Try lowering your settings / shader model, the new Regnum is trying to do much more things in this version so it may run slower if you push it to the max and do not have the appropriate hardware.

3 - Stability problems (crashes):

Update your OS and the drivers for your GPU and hardware in general.
Send us your crash information and please have some patience.

We really need your support during this transition so we can fix everything.

If the game doesn’t run properly on your system please don’t panic, just give us as much information as possible so we can fix your problems.

Problems with Intel graphics card users

As you know, the only hardware that we support officially is nVidia and ATI. In the last year, Intel users have been able to play so far as the previous engine matured. Now, according to our stats, there is a big percentage of Intel graphic card users that play Regnum and we want them to continue playing and to enhance their experience.

We bought low end Intel cards and we are doing some last minute changes to increase performance but we are still slower in some cases (specially Intel cards on Linux).

Please understand that this is not our fault completely, Intel hardware has not been designed for high end games and Regnum made a step in that direction.

Specially, Intel’s support for OpenGL is really bad and that’s why our problems are even worse in Linux.

If you have an Intel card, please try running the game in fixed mode and disable particle effects, and hang in there until we take the best performance out of your hardware.

Problems with other unsupported graphics cards users (S3, SIS and VIA):

We made our best efforts to support your hardware, as you may know already this graphics cards are not designed with gaming in mind and have an even worse record on having appropriate features and drivers than Intel’s.

We won’t (as we didn’t before) officially support your hardware as it is not cost effective for our company. Please try playing in safe mode and send your reports anyway as we will try to fix your problems too.

Conclusion

Once again, we really need your support during this transition so we can fix everything.

I hope you can appreciate the 10 months of work that where invested into this new engine and that when we fix most issues this upgrade will imply a much greater potential for our game. Now, we will continue fixing gameplay issues, balance and adding all the features we can as we have always planned.

Best regards,
The Regnum Development Team
__________________
Kailer

Hope it goes really well for them