Saturday, January 09, 2010

It has to be about the snow

I am fascinated at how snow has suddenly become a story in the last couple of days. Ok, we have had quite a lot of snow in the South but the snow has been hitting the North for the last couple of weeks and the news bulletins have barely noticed. Now of course it effects London and it's in walking distance of the news editors. If they're struggling to get into work it must be news. Maybe I'm being somewhat cynical, do you think?

Everyman needs his garden shed. It's true, really! In Australia some extensive research was done as a result of an initial finding that men with a garden shed had significant lower levels of stress and thus complications as a result. Now it possible for a man to get a shed grant from the Government.

My neighbour has a shed he spends a great deal of time in. Actually his shed is quite extensive and is as good many bedsits I've known. He tells me that when he is in his shed he feels really relaxed. He doesn't know why, he just does. I also have a shed but can't get into it for junk, but us men do need a space that is ours. We can be ourselves, fart without caring. Read comics and feel like a big kid, whatever, no one is watching so you can relax it's your space. A lot of marriages could be saved if the female partner recognized what I'm sure is a universal truth about men. We need to be ourselves and that is not always what a wife/partner wants to see her husband being. Some do, like mine, but most men aren't so lucky. I've been there and donethat.

So to all those women out there with male partners, give him his own space that is genuinely his. I can promise you you'll get massive dividends as a result.

Women's needs are not that dissimilar, but I would be a brave man to discuss that.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Doc Bottoms All Natural Aspray

Oh god, while browsing the web, I came across this product. Yes, they actually named a product Aspray (pronounced Ass Spray). From the good old people at Doc Bottoms (yes it is real I am not making this up. Aspray is an all body deodorizer.

Yes, this is a plumber sniffing his coworkers arse, and getting sick enough to throw up in the sink.

Oh, my I guess she is having one of those no-so-fresh days.

Really they are selling this anti-bacterial hypo-allergenic spray for $14.99 + SH. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't but can anyone take this thing seriously with an ad like that??? Billy Mays must be rolling over in his grave at this kind of trash! Log onto their site and watch the ad, you will not believe someone actually paid to make this thing.

Fekking Telesales

Ok, there is nothing new about cold calls, despite the fact we all hate them, despite the fact we are rude to the callers they still keep calling. It's a fact of life and that's that. What upsets me is the lack of inventiveness to the callers these days. i just got off the phone to one, you know they type:

"Helloooooo, we are doing a survey"
"don't worry we are not selling anything"
"I just wanted to ask 2 simple questions"

"As an incentive you may win a FREE gift voucher"

Ooooooo - ok then, go ahead
"Do you own your own home?"
Errrrrrrr - yes (It's a vanity thing, you have to admit it, don't you?)
"Great! Now, second question, if you could replace your kitchen, bathroom for FREE which would you pick..........?

Recognise the trap? It won't be for free and it will mean follow ups very soon. Now what do you do?
My usual one to this question has been "none of them, we have just replaced the lot".
Needless to say they pack up at that point and you don't get your FREE voucher!!

So, what are the follow ups to this type of call? Answer the question with "I would probably choose a kitchen" and you will win the "voucher" with the benefit of a follow up call at a later date (like I had today) starting.............

"Helloooooo, you answered a survey a while ago saying you would like to replace your kitchen and we have estimators in your area so we would like the opportunity to give you a FREE estimate for a luxury designer kitchen?"

I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost.

"Really? Oh, errrrr, so you have had an estimate?"

No, I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost and you can come and fit the kitchen on Monday please.

"Errrr, I'm a bit confused here, can you confirm the cost they gave you?"

Yes, it was FREE. The question was "if you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for FREE which would you pick" So, I'll have the FREE kitchen please, is Monday ok with you?

Oh, and while you are on the phone can I order my FREE bathroom too? Make that Tuesday please, we don't want the workmen getting in each others way.

"I think you misunderstood Sir, it's not FREE but of course you don't have to pay the full price because you won the FREE gift voucher which knocks a huge 10% off the price!!!"

Ahhhhhhhh,, ok this may be a strange question but when you do the survey why don't you say "If you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for several thousand pounds, which would you pick"

"I don't think that would work from a marketing perspective, I have a feeling most people would just say "no" or hang up"



10 Minutes later....

"You really are an ass-hole aren't you"

Absofuckinglutely!...."you fuc"

Inkster 2 - telesales 0

Common knowledge?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shop-lifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in-line.

What a bunch of tosser's we have running our country - it says it all. And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country .

Global warming confirmed, half of the world is buried in SNOW

After spending X billion $ in Copenhagen on a totally fucking useless, worthless conference (well the hotels and food were OK) whilst leaving Denmark the delegates were personally treated to the effects of Global Warming, SNOW, SNOW, AND EVEN MORE BLOODY SNOW!

This is certain proof that the perpetrators behind the theory of Global Warming are correct, half of the world has now been buried in snow and ice!

Predictions of deserts and cactus growing in the Alaskan plains and sand storms in Siberia have been put to bed for this year.

As Polar Bears and Walrus bask in the freezing cold and people try to remove their vehicles stuck in the ice and snow scientists are rapidly revising their predictions claiming, OK, maybe in 600000 years it could happen, maybe.

As Obama and the rest of the clowns pissed off to their Ski holidays in the fresh snow to enjoy a super White Christmas lets all count the cost of this FAB conference and wish the Chinese had foot the fucking bill!!!!

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Free crap versus loyalty in the newspaper world

Newspapers have really stepped up their promotional schedule in the last few weeks. But is anything that they have given away worth having?

Last week the Mail on Sunday gave away DVD of a new unreleased film that probably would have done no business at the cinema. Therefore the distributors probably gambled that they would make more money from what the Mail paid them and the marketing they put behind it. Ultimately a crap film is still a crap film even when it is free! Did anyone watch it and if they did did they finish it?

The Times this week were giving away a real first, free REM iTunes tracks to help promote their new live album. The only problem with this is that half the tracks are some of their best music and any self respecting music fan would already have them. Who wants a live album anyway, they’re rarely as good as the original versions and REM have had better days. Nice idea but where’s the value apart from for REM’s record company’s marketing department?

The Mail on Sunday have given away a best of Robbie Williams CD this week, again to support the release of his new album. But again if you wanted his best music wouldn’t you already have it by now? So the Mail are happily being the main platform of the record company’s marketing campaign and 95% of the CD’s will never get played. How does the consumer benefit?

For all the instant sales that these promotions may gain the promiscuous readers that take these up will jump paper for the next freebie next week so where’s the marketing value?

The way forward for newspaper promotions and partnerships surely has to be The Times’ new loyalty scheme Times+. This imaginative scheme rewards loyal readers on a long term basis with exclusive content, offers, prizes and money can’t buy events like meeting The Times’ journalists. This is surely the way that all newspapers should be approaching promotions in the future, no free crap, no free marketing for fallen pop stars or terrible films but actually thinking about what a loyal reader wants and rewarding them.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Antarctica's Red-light District.

How would you feel if your mate came home after spending the night with a member of the world's oldest profession? I think it's safe to say that you probably wouldn't be very happy.

Well, for the first time it has been observed that the male specimen of Homo sapiens is not the only species to pay for someone else's services. Yes, it has been scientifically determined that the male Adelie penguin, which lives on Ross Island down in the Antarctic, also pays for the special favors of a female.

I can just picture it now:

The female gets all dolled up and puts on her sexiest skin-tight tuxedo (what else would a penguin wear?). She then heads out for a night on the town. A potential male customer is spotted out in the distance. She sways her hips back and forth and approaches the gentlemen.

“Hey, honey.” she says in her sexiest Mae West-like voice. “How would you like me to warm your chilled bones?”

The lonely male penguin is attracted to her like steel to a magnet. They agree to terms and do their thing.

Now, I know what you are thinking. (Well, maybe not.) Penguins don't carry cash and they have never been known to carry an American Express card, so just how do they pay?

With stones.

Yes, you read that correctly - stones. Also known as pebbles, cobbles, and rocks. It makes no difference if the payment is sedimentary, igneous, or metamorphic. All types of Flinstonian currency are accepted.

Let's get back to reality...

Actually, the Adelie penguins are known to mate for life. At least that is what the male is led to believe.

Every so often, the female wanders off in search of stones to build her nest with. Since there are no trees or grasses to be found in this frozen wasteland, stones make the best nesting material by default. But even stones are difficult to find in this cold climate. Those that do exist are most likely frozen solid in the mud or ice. The stones are of such great value to the penguins that they will steal them from each other, even though they face a high risk of being attacked by the owner of this hard currency (and this currency certainly is hard).

But wait!

The female Adelie penguin has figured out a better way. She exchanges copulations for the stones. The female slips away from her mate and just happens to wander over to the nest of an unpaired male.

Hmmm… What could she be thinking?

She goes through the standard courtship procedure. You know, the usual dip of the head and the coy look from the corner of the eye. If the male shows some interest, she will just lie prone as an invitation to mate. Once the mating is over, she picks up her payment (the stone) and heads back home to her unsuspecting mate.

Believe it or not, this is truly serious science. A researcher named Fiona M. Hunter of the University of Cambridge has been studying these cheating penguins for years. (Why anyone would ever want to study in such a cold place is beyond me. I was once offered a complete scholarship to do my graduate work in Antarctica. All the money in the world couldn't get me there. Instead, I decided to stay warm and chose a different college.)

Hunter also observed ten different females who played an even smarter game. Each of these penguins went through the whole mutual courtship routine, picked up their payment, and just left before any hanky panky ever took place. Oddly, the males showed no aggressive behavior for being denied their pleasure. In fact, these same females actually had the nerve to return for more pebbles. One female managed to get 62 stones from one male in just one hour. (Obviously, she was the Pam Anderson of the bird world.)

And her husband was the last to know…

Useless? Useful? I’ll leave that for you to decide.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Unbelievably Crap British Film of the Week

Statement 1
I watched Red Mist on DVD yesterday.

Statement 2
I watched one of the worst horror films I’ve ever seen yesterday.

Statement 3
Statements 1 through 2 are not mutually exclusive.

It really was fucking terrible.

It’s from director Paddy Breathnach, who did the equally awful Shrooms, and it’s literally impossible to work out what on Earth everyone was thinking when they made it.

It’s even the worst Arielle Kebbel film, and she’s been in The Uninvited, John Tucker Must Die and American Pie: Band Camp.

I’ve just Windows 7 and I can’t work out how to screenshot DVDs, so I had to take photos with my camera when the boredom got too much. Excuse the quality. Here’s a woman who seems to have been cast solely because she looks like Keira Knightley’s less attractive sister:

Here’s a man who looks like a cross between Dane Cook and Mike Skinner:

And here’s the moment when Voldemort popped up for a bit


Anyway it’s not remotely scary, logical, well acted, entertaining or original, so if you haven’t already guessed, AVOID.

A Brace of Ghosties?

Took this photo a couple of years ago when i was testing my then new camera.
I have no idea what it is, the camera was checked to be working fine. Cool Photo though

By 2255 Most Humans Alive Today Will Be Dead

A scientist has stunned the World with his announcement that most of the people alive this very moment will be dead come 2255.

"Governments around the World are not prepared for all these deaths. I'm as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer", said Prof. Cackhole from the University of Arse, Arseland.

Panic has set in all across the Globe. Funeral directors have reported an increase in coffin sales. People are going out and buying their death robes before the apocalypse.

One local man committed suicide rather than die!

Governments around the World have pledged billions towards a rescue plan.
"We can't have all these innocent people die without at least doing something. I've looked at the calendar and 2255 isn't too far off really…", said one crackjob nutter.

The same professor was also responsible for alerting humanity to the perils of Global warming, Global Cooling, The Greenhouse Effect, The Ozone Layer, Acid Rain, Britney Spears baldness, the lack of toilet roll in cubicle number two at the local shopping centre toilets and several other life-changing events

Awesome Painting by a Friend

At Yule I had a real shock, a friend of mine who happens to be a great artist, has produced this for me. I cant wait to see the original. You can see more of his work on the Regnum comic page. Look in the links for it ^^

The description of the Painting from the artist is as follows:

Dear Inkster.

Here I bring a Christmas gift for you, a special one, cause I respect you a HELL lot, I love to hunt with you and you're one of best people around I can consider a friend, which makes me proud \o/

I wanted to imitate Rembrandt but as always I failed, I hope you enjoy what has been done anyway ;D took quite some time! Pizdzius Swedzioszek

2 = 1

Proof that 1 equals 2

a = b
a^2 = a*b
a^2-b^2 = a*b-b^2
(a+b)(a-b) = b(a-b)
(a+b) = b
a+a = a
2a = a


2 = 1